Breaking the Shame Cycle

In my "other life," I work as a pediatric hospitalist at a community hospital. In this capacity, I primarily care for both healthy and ill newborns. Recently, I was attending to a newborn who was the first child of a 16-year-old mother, whom we will call Erin (names have been changed for privacy). Upon entering the room, I found the infant asleep in the bassinet, Erin sitting on her bed, and Erin's mother and maternal aunt present. Shortly after I arrived, Erin's aunt mentioned she was there because Erin's mom was going to church, and she intended to provide adult supervision to prevent "this" from occurring again, gesturing towards the young mother. I noticed Erin's expression fall, and she seemed to shrink into the bed. Following this exchange, I tried to focus on asking Erin about her plans for caring for her baby and completing high school. Once more, the aunt interjected, saying she had told Erin she must finish high school, as a cousin who didn't couldn't find a job. Sadly, I completed the infant's examination and left the room.

Later that day, I saw Erin's aunt getting on the elevator, which gave me the chance to speak with Erin alone. I apologized to Erin, acknowledging that my earlier comments might have prompted her aunt's hurtful remarks. I explained that although having a baby at sixteen might not have been her plan, she didn't deserve to be shamed by anyone, including family. I reassured her that her young age didn't prevent her from being a wonderful mother. I encouraged her to complete high school to provide more opportunities for herself and her baby. These simple, supportive statements were enough to earn Erin's trust, and she eagerly showed me some of the adorable outfits she had chosen for her beautiful baby girl.

Shaming someone for a mistake doesn't alter future behavior. It often makes the person feel worthless and reduces the likelihood they'll try to change any unhealthy patterns. When someone feels shame, they are less likely to believe they can improve their situation and often feel they deserve poor treatment from others. While it's important to address and discuss mistakes, we should do so with a focus on building resilience and learning. Our teens will make mistakes, usually small ones, but sometimes significant ones. As caring adults, we need to approach these situations with understanding and empathy. We should engage in open conversations about what went wrong, what they learned, and how they can avoid similar issues in the future. It's crucial to instill a sense of self-worth and empower them with the belief that they can make good choices moving forward. If they don't believe in their capability, they won't try.

Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection." So why would we ever consider shaming a new mom who is striving to be a good mother to her newborn? The cycle of shame within families needs to be broken. We now understand the harmful impact shame can have on an individual's self-esteem, which can lead to various consequences, especially in teens and young adults, including anxiety, depression, risky behaviors, substance abuse, and unplanned pregnancies. We must let our young women know they are an essential part of this world, and their mistakes do not define them; rather, their resilience does.