Circles of Control as a Life Skill

One of my preferred tools to use with clients is the "Circles of Control" tool. Together, we identify which aspects of a specific challenge are within her control and which are not. I believe the Circles of Control can be applied to almost any situation, such as friend struggles, general anxiety, or feeling overwhelmed by schoolwork. The Circles help the client concentrate on what they can control, providing visual confirmation that some things are beyond their control while showing they have the power to manage many other parts of the situation. Essentially, this simple tool can transform feelings of anxiety or overwhelm into a sense of capability and calmness.

Recently, my client, Charlotte (all names have been changed for privacy), was dealing with a friend who would sometimes seem quiet and upset. Like most tween and teen girls, Charlotte worried she might have done something wrong and that her friend was upset with her. As we worked through the Circles, Charlotte realized she couldn't control whether her friend was upset or wanted to be alone. What Charlotte could control was checking on her friend to ensure she was okay and deciding whether to follow her friend when she left the group or stay with the group she enjoyed. As I continued to meet with Charlotte, she could easily recognize when her friend was quiet, but she knew she had been a good friend and was unlikely the cause of her friend's upset. Ultimately, her friend revealed that Charlotte was not the reason she wanted to be alone at times and appreciated Charlotte's friendship. This exercise allowed Charlotte to stop worrying during school days about something that wasn't her fault.

Over the past two years, I've been exploring Buddhist philosophy and trying to incorporate some teachings and practices into my daily life. A fundamental concept in Buddhist philosophy is that primary suffering cannot be avoided. Examples include physical pain, losing a loved one, financial strain, or being cut off in traffic. It is our reaction to the cause of primary suffering that leads to secondary or ongoing suffering.

One of my frequent daily annoyances involves a one-lane underpass where cars should stop, honk their horn, and listen for another car before proceeding. Often, I honk, hear nothing, proceed, only to encounter another car partway through or find another car entering the tunnel without honking. I won't lie, there was a time when I would get very angry when this happened. What do you think caused more suffering—having to back out and let the other car pass or fuming about it for the next 20 minutes? I couldn't control what the other car did, but I can certainly choose not to let that minor inconvenience ruin an otherwise pleasant morning. Like the Circles of Control, we need to focus on what we can and cannot control.

Now, let's discuss Mel Robbins' new book "The Let Them Theory," which I highly recommend. Essentially (in my simplified takeaway), Mel explains that we cannot control what others think or how they behave, so we should just "Let Them" think or act as they will. The next step of this theory is to "Let ourselves" decide how we will respond (or not) and behave. Humans are obviously more complex than this simple breakdown, so the book delves into the science and specifics on various relationships and situations we encounter in life. I'm sure I will revisit this book many more times in the future.

I absolutely love how these philosophies overlap and how relatively easy they are to incorporate into daily life. And the best part is that they work! By providing my clients with the skill of organizing challenges into "Circles of Control," I am instilling tools they will use for life.

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