The trickling down of toxic stress in families

This morning, I went upstairs to wake my daughter and heard the shower running. I assumed it was my son in there. I spent a few minutes in my daughter's room, waking her up and being playful. When I came out, the shower was still on, but my son appeared in the hallway, fully dressed and dry. I jokingly said, "I thought you were in the shower." He explained he was brushing his teeth and then planned to shower. We exchanged lighthearted banter about it and moved on. I realized that a few years ago, this would have been a teaching moment for me, likely leading to an argument and negative feelings. Now, I understand that with our well water and solar water heater, this is a low-consequence issue, though it might differ for those who pay for water and gas. The main point is that this was a minor issue for us that would have previously led to an argument with my son.

My son and I had a pretty rocky relationship during his early teens, but it has completely transformed over the last two years. I'm sure there are many reasons for this, including his search for independence during adolescence and emotional impulsivity due to an active limbic system. However, looking back, I can now acknowledge that I was the biggest contributor to our tension. Two years ago, my relationship with my son changed drastically. We stopped arguing about everything. We still had disagreements and discussions, but there was no yelling, accusations, or hurt feelings. This significant improvement coincided with my decision to leave a work environment that was causing me toxic stress levels.

Stress triggers our limbic system and suppresses our prefrontal cortex. In his book Buddha's Brain, Rick Hanson, PhD, explains it well: "[Sympathetic nervous system] arousal stimulates the amygdala, which is hardwired to focus on negative information and react intensely to it. As limbic system . . . activation increases, the relative strength of executive control from the prefrontal cortex declines. [This] pushes appraisals, attributions of others' intentions, and priorities in a negative direction."

This activated state was my norm for years, significantly impacting my relationships and interactions with my family. When I chose to address this and left that work environment, my stress level dropped immediately. My limbic system and sympathetic nervous system could rest, and my now accessible prefrontal cortex allowed me to see the world differently. I could focus on positive moments with my family and let go of the constant need for control.

If you're struggling in your relationship with your teenager, I encourage you to examine your mental and emotional state closely. Are you managing unhealthy stress levels? Are there changes you could make? I understand that teens are challenging, and I'm not claiming my family is perfect, but I acknowledge that my chronic stress played a significant role when tensions were high. I'm incredibly grateful I could change things in my life to make our home a happier place.